My younger brother is getting married in March next year.
Sometime in 1999, I had the opportunity to write this letter; a letter meant, actually, for men, in general, who were reluctant to accept coming to terms with themselves and their relationship with God and their loved ones. It was a letter, in fact, that I would have written to MYSELF had things not changed as they had.
I have faith in my brother because I know he's a much better person than me. Still, for what its worth, here's what I wrote:
Letter from a Dying Son, Husband, Father and Brother,
Mahal na Kapatid,
I started writing this letter early last year but, somehow, never got to finish it -- not for lack of words, but, I think, because of the promptings of the Spirit. I think it is timely, though, because I wanted to share some thoughts with you on passion, death and resurrection.
I believe you have much stronger faith than I do. From what I know, mas relihioso ka at mas panatag ang pananampalataya sa Diyos. I think that you are much more involved in making real your faith and leading a prayerful life. And for that I am happy. Because faith, practiced faith lived on a day-to-day basis, is a recognition of our moral and spiritual emptiness and need. That’s why what I have to say will probably not be new to you. Just the same, dahil alam kong mahal mo ang pamilya mo and we may have experienced the same things, I know it is worth the effort.
I was never one to think that God was very involved in my life. Ever since childhood, mahina ang religious foundation ko kahit na galing ako sa Jesuit-run school. I used to think that everything would just happen as a logical consequence of the choices in life. Either you made the right choice or the wrong one. And chance had a lot to do with it: kung malas ka, malas; kung suwerte, ‘di mabuti. Especially in little things. I thought that God was only involved in big, important matters – iyong life-threatening lang, life-changing or miraculous kinds of situations. Tulad noong isinilang ang anak kong si Kokoy and my wife Rox almost died. Upon giving birth, she was given a 50:50 chance of survival due to internal hemorrhaging and had to undergo massive blood transfusion. Or in the last three months of 1996 when both Rox and I had no jobs and kada payday ay may utang na dapat bayaran (I had cash debts of over P500,000 at the time – which I am still paying up to now; hindi pa bilang doon ang car loan amortization, mga insurance at educational plan, groceries at pang-araw-araw na gastusin). Somehow, in those instances, we were also able to survive because God, with His power, took care of Rox (He healed her and made the bleeding stop) and moved others (biglang may magbabayad rin ng utang sa amin o may mabebenta kaming kung anong bagay) to help us.
Just last year, I was desperate to get rid of the car I used to have because of its poor performance, high maintenance costs and because I wanted to reduce my debts. However, resale value and demand for that car was very low and I would have to spend just to have it in good running condition prior to selling it. Early one morning, I was driving to work and I remember saying to myself that I would put an ad in the classifieds that day even if the car was not “ready” to be sold yet. Suddenly a speeding van crossed the intersection, crushed the whole front of the car, flipped in the air and landed on its side. I was not hurt, the other driver had a few scratches, but no case was filed. Higit pa doon, the car was a total wreck and I was able to claim for the full amount insured, definitely well above the second-hand market price and more than enough to pay for the debt on the car. When tragedies and trials that come our way are resolved and everything is put back in order, or when we receive blessings, even those in disguise, it is easy enough for us to see how God works in our lives.
Pero iyong mga maliliit na bagay didn’t matter to me and I saw no connection with God in those things. Dati, akala ko na ang paglalambing o ‘di kaya and sama ng loob ni Rox o ang pagkakaroon ng sunod-sunod na sakit ni Kokoy ay bunga lang ng mga maling pagkilos ng bawat isa sa amin. Everyday life was simply a hassle to go through that I could handle on my own and would be easy if I made the right, logical choices.
Lalong-lalo na, I saw no urgency in a lot of things. Kung mayroon akong nasaktan, nakaaway, naapi or kahit isiniwalang kibo, I didn’t think na kailangang makapag hingi ako ng paumanhin as soon as possible or magawan ko agad ng paraan para maayos. I always thought that there would be all the time in the world to make amends, na marami pang mga araw. Besides, what was one more day na magdusa ang kung sino man iyon, asawa ko man o anak o kaibigan o kamag-anak? Anyway, most of the time I was right, sa maling pag-aakala ko, so okay lang na wala akong gawin. Ako pa nga ang dapat hingian ng paumanhin.
But what I learned from the marriage encounter weekend I had and life in the renewal now is that everyday life isn’t simply a consequence of my choices. Life isn’t simply about me. Life is about God and trying to be with Him by living like Christ. Hindi ko sinasabing ako’y naging santo or a cross-waving, born-again zealot. I simply gained a better understanding of life and how to live it (I am crucified with Christ; But nevertheless I live; Yet not I, but Christ liveth in me: and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by the faith of the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me” Gal. 2:20). Everything that happens in my life, big or small, past, present and future, and everyone in my life, from my wife and son hanggang doon sa nang hold-up sa akin ng kuwintas ko noong high school, is God’s way of drawing me closer to Him. Kung manalo ako sa Lotto or mawalan ako ng trabaho, siguradong magpapasalamat ako or magdadasal ako sa Kanya. But if Kokoy gets a Star in school or mag-away kami ni Rox, it’s also God’s way of wanting me to see Him in my son and my wife and understanding that that is an opportunity to get closer to Him. I was only ignorant before; tanga at mataas ang pride because I couldn’t or refused to see this.
One of the great tragedies of religious life today is that people fail to ever enter into a relationship with God that is born of the Holy Spirit because they are too lazy, indifferent, short-sighted, callous, proud, angry or scared. Iyon ang malungkot sa marami ngayon. Mayroon silang relihiyon, hindi relasyon. Mayroon silang paniniwala, hindi pananampalataya. Hindi ang pagbabahagi ng pag-ibig sa Diyos at sa kapwa ang nagpapatunay sa kanilang buhay spiritual kundi ang pagganap lang ng mga paulit-ulit at walang kabuluhang gawain, tradisyon at adhikain. Many a person lives today with only an intellectual belief in God and so are left with a religion, meaningless ceremonies and boring, repetitive, monotonous rituals, not a living relationship made real by expressions of love for God and brethren.
Kahit ang pagdalo sa marriage encounter weekend or life in the renewal, I thought, was nothing and had no meaning or bearing in my life. Only later did I understand that it wasn’t so; it wasn’t just another coincidence or man-made opportunity, specially for me. Ang Diyos na mismo ang nag-imbita. Masyado lang akong mayabang at maka-sarili to understand Who was really reaching out. I was also callous, nagbi-bingi-bingihan at siguro takot na ring madiskubre na medyo duwag pala ako; na hindi ko magampanan ang responsibilidad ko bilang ama at asawa, at higit sa lahat, anak ng Diyos, sa tamang paraan. Marami akong kasalanan, pagkukulang at maling pag-aakala.
I couldn’t face up to being a good and proper husband and father, always hiding behind and putting ahead my selfishness, my anger, my pride, my defensive reflexes. I always blamed my past, my parents, brother and sisters, other people like my boss or officemates, etc. I always hid behind other people, reasoning that they knew best -- “ang mga kaibigan ko, ganito ang ginagawa nila”, “sabi ni Papa at ni Mommy ganito dapat …”. I only realized later on that ang tanda-tanda ko na; dapat naman akong magpaka-lalake. God, through Christ, was not only a man; He was the ultimate man because He sacrificed His needs and put others ahead of Himself. It was time to stand on my own two feet, be a man for a change and find out that to be a husband and father is not to receive the comforts of life but to give those comforts to your loved ones; not to be served hand and foot but to serve with all your heart; not to order people around and be followed out of fear and hurt but to gain respect and cooperation with care and concern; and not to be the center of the family because you dictate it to be so, but because of the deep love that emanates from you and encompasses all.
I also learned that there is no time to waste. Of course, I don’t have to say that hindi natin hawak ang oras at haba ng buhay natin. Hindi ko alam kung natural sa Pilipino ang pagiging short-sighted o tanga lang talaga ako. But I never kept this in mind until now. And before, I thought that it didn’t matter whether I said “Sorry” today or tomorrow. Again, I was tanga, selfish and short-sighted. Time does not heal wounds. Everyday, wounds that are not healed are only buried by new hurts, pains, sorrows and anger. Imagine your child, going through each day in deep pain, with a wound that grows deeper and deeper. I don’t think any parent can stand to let that happen. Well, I learned that I am no different from that child. And my wife is no different from that child. As adults, we only learn to fight and defend ourselves so that we don’t get hurt. But, in truth, we are all children looking for love. It only gets complicated when we let our “adultness” get in the way. So why would I let a day pass with my wife hurting and in pain? There is an urgency in healing these wounds and expressing love rather than hate. Anyone with the broad wisdom and the littlest foresight will know that this is true. I always thought that hindi kapani-paniwala ang kabaitan ng lolo’t lola ko. It seemed that they were too good to be true and that they spoiled us, their grandchildren and great-grandchildren. They were even too good to each other. What I didn’t know is that they had the benefit of such wisdom. I am thankful that I don’t have to wait for years to gain such wisdom at matutong magpakumbaba, such being the sign of a true man. And more than wisdom, they were gifted with the Grace of God.
A month ago, Rox and I fought. I was so angry that I just didn’t want to speak with her. She tried to talk to me but I reasoned out that I was tired and just wanted to go to sleep, even if she begged for us to talk. I also had the satisfaction of letting her hear the anger in my voice. That night, I had a dream. In my dream, Kokoy ran to me, crying to me in pain and in fear that he got bitten by a snake. Panic-stricken, I scooped him up in my arms and ran blindly from house to house, hospital to hospital, and drugstore to drugstore, pleading for anyone to help us, shouting for someone to give me medicine for my child. The minutes raced by furiously as I continued my search. All the while, Kokoy was weakening, begging, “Papa, tulungan mo ako…”. Frantically I continued looking, praying to God to heal Kokoy, tears flowing and sobbing heavily while running with all the speed and strength I could muster. But I couldn’t get any help. I couldn’t find any medicine. Suddenly I felt Kokoy go still and cold in my arms. All the trust and love Kokoy had put in me, for me to take care of him, was for naught. At that moment, I cried out in pain and anguish to our God. Even in a dream, it was so real, so painful that I thought I was going to curse God and rave at Him in anger. But to my surprise I found myself raising my hands to the heavens and giving praise and glory to God. I always thought that I could do anything or sacrifice anything for the Lord but only on the condition that it wouldn’t involve my family.
That morning I woke up in tears. I went to Rox and recounted to her my dream and apologized.
And that is one reason why I have written this letter to you as a Dying Son, Husband, Father and Brother. If there is one thing that I’ve taken to heart, it is that one must die to oneself to be able to truly love. As a Dying Husband, my wife is the most important person to me, and that above all, she is my closest link to Christ and so must be loved and cherished. As a Dying Father, my son is the most important person to me and I should give all I can, in partnership with my wife, to bring up my son in love and care and give him back to God in the beautiful state that he was given to me. And as a Dying Son and Brother, my parents, brother and sisters are the most important people to me and make up the little church that I should help build. I should then give myself in any way that I can, to help bring us all closer to God. Each day, not only must I “die” to my own myopic needs, pride and anger, but I also die in truth, coming one day closer to physical death. Keeping this in mind rids me of my short-sightedness and selfishness.
The other more important reason is because one day soon I hope that all families will choose to live life in the renewal. I am especially concerned because everywhere I see and feel a lot of pain within families. In my own family, there is so much healing that needs to be done, not only for each of my family but even for my family tree, down to Kokoy and generations beyond. There is so much that needs to be done to restore, repair and re-awaken our relationships with God not only on a personal basis but, more importantly, as one family.
I pray, then, that in our lifetime, we can unlearn to sing only at Mass and retreats; unlearn to seek the Lord only in times of worship or distress; unlearn to ask things so selfishly and so unfaithfully; unlearn to be ashamed of the Lord and not spread the Word of God; unlearn to cry to others in times of persecution when the Lord offers His shoulder to cry on; unlearn to make excuses when the Lord gives us opportunities to serve in His Name.
I pray that we learn that we are blessed with life, a gift we often just throw away; that God blessed us with talents to serve Him, but continue to turn away; learn that God has revealed His Word to us, but often do not gain in knowledge; learn that the Lord has spoken to us but our ears were often closed; that the Lord has shown His blessings to us, but our eyes were often turned away; that He has sent us servants to help bring us closer to Him, but we sat idly by as they were pushed away; that the Lord has heard our prayers and has answered them all.
All in all, I would just like to congratulate you for showing that you are a real man, not unlike Christ, and taking this first step in spending some time in this marriage encounter weekend. It is not so much to talk about your wife or your marriage; it is more for you and your wife to be able to spend time with God and to find out deeper truths about God in your life. Sabi ko nga, sa tingin ko ay mas matapang ka sa akin at napaninindigan mo ang iyong pagkalalake with seeming effortless ease. I know and am confident that maaasahan ka rin bilang isang anak, ama, asawa at kaibigan.
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